funny jokes

[2fast4usteeley]

does anybody have any good jokes they would like to share?

[TiMoN]

what did the frog do when it died?





... hahaha. . bwahha haa.. . it croaked!! bbwahahahahahaha

[Brian]

what did the frog do when it died?





... hahaha. . bwahha haa.. . it croaked!! bbwahahahahahaha

....damnit

[TiMoN]

how does a gay guy fake an orgasims?


he spits on the other guys back!

[Brian]

thats a good one...i el oh el'd

[JetBlack]

Cabbie picks up a fare at the airport and can immediately tell this guy is not in a good mood.

The guy gets in the back and crosses his arms tightly and curtly tells the driver where to go. It's an address way out in the farms.

The cabbie tries halfheartedly to engage his fare in conversation but can only discover that he grew up locally but then moved away.

As they approach his destination and turn onto a long straightaway, the guy in back mutters, "See that field? I cut down all the trees in that field, but do they call me Joe the logger? No."

Cabbie, "Huh."

Joe says "See those barns and outbuildings? I built them with the wood from that forest, but do they call me Joe the carpenter? No!"

The cabbie is starting to worry. His passenger is getting riled up.

Joe pipes up again saying, "See that split rail fence? I used the leftover wood to build that fence, but do they call me Joe the fence-builder?!?! NO!"

"But fuck just one goat....."

[gotrice93]

^^^i know im gonna get shit about this becuz im from montana

[TiMoN]

lol its ooo true!!! lol

[72corvette]

What does fucking a fat chick and riding a mini-bike have in common?

[72corvette]

there both really fun till you get caught by your friends

hahhhhahahaahahahahahah
hahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahaha

[Backwoodz Tuner]

Whats are balls called on a gay man??

[Brian]

...mud flaps

[Backwoodz Tuner]

damn it!! i guess it goes with some animal farmers too

nws... http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t40/Zilla9696/SheepCrossing.gif

[Brian]

Joe, I edited your post instead of moving this to the NWS forum

[Backwoodz Tuner]

Damn ur good, and I guess that's why your dooo do do dooo SUPER MOD AWAY! I jus thought NWS was like nude shit

[Brian]

it's not about nudity, it's about stuff that you wouldn't want your boss to see if he was standing behind you at work

[ThEdRuNkSwIfEy]

damn it!! i guess it goes with some animal farmers too

nws... http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t40/Zilla9696/SheepCrossing.gif

Bwahahah the sheep gets the JDM foot!

[Papercut]

YouTube - 350z Riced out 2 Ha ha. 422HP! About 14 lbs of boost. Stock exhaust, because of "backpressure and all that." LMAOWROFL (there's an acronym for ya)

[gustav129]

there both really fun till you get caught by your friends

hahhhhahahaahahahahahah
hahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahaha

I freely admit I fuck fat chicks. I'm the perfect wingman.

[Backwoodz Tuner]

I freely admit I fuck fat chicks. I'm the perfect wingman.


You always need a wingman to take one for the team cause there's always that one chick your tryin to score with but can't cause she don't want to leave her friend alone in the other room.

[Backwoodz Tuner]

Ok here's one

A hooker asks a surgeon 2 make another hole in her ass. Surgeon asks Y? Hooker replies. "Business is so good im opening another location.

[Brian]

:lol: thats a good one Joe.

[Backwoodz Tuner]

Thank you, I thought so too!

[Backwoodz Tuner]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Backwoodz Tuner]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

[SW-21turbo]

Your guys want to hear a joke...





Woman's Rights

[Backwoodz Tuner]

Baaahahahaha and one more





GAY RIGHTS

[SW-21turbo]

Lol!!!!!!!!

[TatMatt]

what should a battered women do then next time she gets beat.



what even the man told her to do

[silver_echo]

what should a battered women do then next time she gets beat.



what even the man told her to do

i am sorry but i find this joke in very bad taste...

[gotrice93]

you know what else is a joke... all toyota echo's

[TiMoN]

my doctor referred me to a female urologist.I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. Seriously, She's so beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, "Because I need to examine you..."

[SW-21turbo]

A boy and a dad go to the pharmasist because the father cant get it up no more so he gets his prescription and the docter tells him take 2 every 24 hours..On the way home the father got completly distracted and asked the boy....Son how many pills am i supposed to take
Boy:24 every 2 hours

Later that day the boy makes a 911 phone call
Boy:I have an emergancy
Operator:what is it son
Boy:my mom is dead my sister is pregnant, my butt hole hurts and my dad is on the roof yelling, Here kitty kitty

[Backwoodz Tuner]

you know what else is a joke... all toyota echo's

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f242/tonksloveslupin/Laughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa80/mydis_album/Gif/Laughing_hard.gif

http://i437.photobucket.com/albums/qq94/Kylegamer98/LolWutGif.gif

[Backwoodz Tuner]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/backwoodz_tuner/whore.jpg

[gustav129]

LOL Joe!90

[gustav129]

8 fricken characters, had to add 9 and 0 to make 10.

[gustav129]

Jon text this to me today:

Man comes home late and sneaks in to give his wife oral sex. When he's done, he goes into the bathroom and finds his wife. She goes "Shh.. Your mom's in our bed."

[gotrice93]

got this in a text:
Whats the meanest thing u can do to a person?
Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!

haha i laughed so hard right in the middle of lecture when i got this

[RXSE7EN]

you know what else is a joke... all toyota echo's


I 3rd... or 4th... or 5th.... IDK. I think everyone will agree with this... except those weirdos that drive Echos.

[gotrice93]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[RXSE7EN]

^ Thats one of my favorites!


My drafting teacher told me this one. ahahaha..

[RXSE7EN]

^ Your going to get in trouble... :)

[aust ek coupe]

lol lmao i know

[RXSE7EN]

^ I got in trouble for starting a racist joke thread. hahahaha. WHOOPS!

[aust ek coupe]

idk i just thought it was funny i wasnt trying to be racist or anything

[RXSE7EN]

Yeah. Mine were pretty bad. hahaha. Yours are not anywhere near as racist. Its all good.

You still might get in trouble with the mods though.

[aust ek coupe]

idk will see.

[aust ek coupe]

there's some pretty bad ones on here though. that i think are alot worse

[RXSE7EN]

Yeah. Prolly. The mods are SLACKING!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brian]

Yeah. Prolly. The mods are SLACKING!!!!!!!!!!!

negative :)

[Backwoodz Tuner]

They are always watchin over us, they don't call B super mod cause it sounds cool.

[silver_echo]

A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you," he says. "No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. " Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?" "No way! Now leave me alone!" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What do you say to that?" The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window. "Look, I don't care what you promise me, Dad. I'm NOT riding in your Yugo!"

[gotrice93]

u modified that joke. its suppose to be echo not yugo! echos are way worse

[2fast4usteeley]

u modified that joke. its suppose to be echo not yugo! echos are way worse
rofl......

[silver_echo]

u modified that joke. its suppose to be echo not yugo! echos are way worse

nope sorry, that is your opinion... at least mine is not deemed a throwaway like the yugo... they never even made a replacement trans for the yugo...

[jon]

i would rock a yugo

[gustav129]

Me too. I got 6 pairs of jeans I'll trade for a Yugo.

[Brian]

they should of named it the Igo, because it couldn't carry more than 1 person

[silver_echo]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE .... I'M BROKE!!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[silver_echo]

first joke...

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went
To the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
Neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
The Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you

Have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
Favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the
Weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
Indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind, but I do have one
More question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over.........?"


second joke....

At a computer expo (COMDEX), some years ago, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Each time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT.’ But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car default’ warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

[JetBlack]

Got this from Mom.

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[silver_echo]

Got this from Mom.

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


i have also heard that as a lexus

[Domesticated]

omg that funny as hell!

[Domesticated]

you guys gotta check this out.
http://forums.neons.org/viewtopic.php?f=96&t=350202

[90LXCB7]

How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to dodge trees and then you realize it's the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

[silver_echo]

just thought that this fit pretty well on both notes...

http://images.starcraftmazter.net/4chan/for_forums/bump2.jpg

[Domesticated]

OMG, theres no way the driver lived

[SW-21turbo]

Sure he did.

[JetBlack]

I wonder if schizophrenic people have more than one FaceBook page.

[Domesticated]

heres a funny one, theres currently more guests at this moment (39) than registerd users in the last 24 hours (33) haha funny right?

[MetaEnder]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

....FO DRIZZLE!

[Domesticated]

One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified add that read: "Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023."

[Brian]

One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified add that read: "Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023."

I don't get it

[Domesticated]

lol, a mole is the molecular weight of an atom or molecule. avagadro founded the number 6.02x10^23 which is 602,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. 1 mole= 6.02x10^23 units of mass. so one mole of water H2O weighs 18grams. so that many idividual moleculs of water weighs 18 grams cause a mole of hydrogen weighs 1 gram, and a mole of oxygen weighs 16 grams so on mole of oxygen plus two moles of hydrogen weighs 18 grams. theres a little short chem lesson

[Domesticated]

its an old chem joke that i remembered from school

[Brian]

gotcha. More cleaver than funny

[JetBlack]

No way, clever=funny. Like that guy with the Yaris, at the Steptoe meet should be able to get the license plate [π-rate]

Although the symbol for pi doesn't show up well on here....

pi-rate

[MetaEnder]

Haha, don't worry Domesticated, I lawled at that one.

[JetBlack]

I met a girl at a party and we played this "Book of Questions" game. She asked me what my favorite number was (69 was too obvious) so being mister clever dick, I said "6 point oh two times ten to the twenty third". She said "Mine TOO! Avocado's number!"

I used up two weeks of my life trying to decide whether she was really funny or extraordinarily stupid. Finally I gave up.

[Domesticated]

I met a girl at a party and we played this "Book of Questions" game. She asked me what my favorite number was (69 was too obvious) so being mister clever dick, I said "6 point oh two times ten to the twenty third". She said "Mine TOO! Avocado's number!"

I used up two weeks of my life trying to decide whether she was really funny or extraordinarily stupid. Finally I gave up.

lmao haha, u got me goin once again

[JetBlack]

What did one polar bear say to the other polar bear?



























"Dude. I'm FUCKING FREEZING."

[Brian]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[MetaEnder]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[JetBlack]

A blond walks up to a gorge and finds there is no bridge. She sees another blond on the other side and shouts "How do you get to the other side?" The blond shouts back "You ARE on the other side!"

[Domesticated]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

repost, but still funny

[2fast4usteeley]

While driving cross-country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella.

After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldn't resist describing what he saw in the first house.

The woman laughed and said, "Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time."

"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled traveler.

"Well you see, they're a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, "F*ck you bitch, it's raining!"

[Brian]

:lol: That's good

[MetaEnder]

Haha, not entirely sure if I get that joke though.

[JetBlack]

A co-ed comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair and gazes meaningfully, into his eyes. "I mean" she whispers "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.... study?"

[JetBlack]

What's red and smells like blue paint?






























Red paint.

[JetBlack]

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?




















Ask your mom.

[Brian]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus

[Domesticated]

LMAO haha that had me goin! great post

[silver_echo]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[Domesticated]

lol thats awsome

[JetBlack]

Like a PEBCAK problem.

Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.

[gotrice93]

so a blonde walks into a dry cleaner and drops off her skirt. On her way out the door the lady at the counter says "come again". The blonde turns to her and says "No it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch"

[gotrice93]

what's the difference betweeen Tiger Woods and Santa?... Santa stopped at 3 ho's (ho ho ho).

[JetBlack]

what's the difference betweeen Tiger Woods and Santa?... Santa stopped at 3 ho's (ho ho ho).

Five years ago Tiger Woods could drive over 400 yards. Last week, he didn't even get 200.

[Domesticated]

After studying calc for 10-12 hours with a bunch of other guys, we were able to combine our thoughts and come up with a few nerdy jokes. heres a few

"Your mom is the longest leg of a right triangle"

"Whats your sine?"
"Why"
"cause if its only pi sixths, my pi thirds is gonna be to obtuse for your theta! ;)"

"i like your hypotenuse, i hope your theta isnt just as wide"

"man this bar sucks, its got to many zeros for being this square"

"my dicks like an inversed recursive sequence, it gets bigger the lower you go"

ill try to remember some more

[90LXCB7]

Wow! you need a break from studying, yo!

[MetaEnder]

Ha! I really like those!

[JetBlack]

Two atoms walk into a bar and one says to the other, "I lost an electron!"

The other says "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

[JetBlack]

Your mom is rated E, for everyone.

[Domesticated]

http://imagechan.com/images/Math%20jokes.jpeg

[gotrice93]

haha i like that one jonboy

[gotrice93]

http://imagechan.com/images/Math%20jokes.jpeg

next time i go to my old high school im gonna take this to my old math teacher that failed me my first year of algebra 2. lol he will get a good chuckle out of it. When i was in class he had just finished writing his essay (book) on mathematics for his DR in mathematics

[Bmer89]

They should make that a poster... I would stick it up in the math/science building at SFCC haha

[JetBlack]

A demotivational poster.

[silver_echo]

found these


http://www.iparklikeanidiot.com/


http://www.youparklikeanasshole.com/

lol

[gustav129]

On iparklikeanidiot.com, there's a green mustang from Idaho!

[JetBlack]

I looked to see if I recognized the area. No good.

[JetBlack]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'



The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[gotrice93]

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.
"bitch i live in fucking trash can"
YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.
YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

[Domesticated]

oh shit dave thats too good lol

[Domesticated]

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

[JetBlack]

OMG! Richard Simmons has never been funny before. Holy.....

[gotrice93]

i always laugh when i see the richard simons one.

[2fast4usteeley]

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

[gotrice93]

When Reagan was in office, there was Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is in office we have neither hope or cash!

[Bmer89]

Hahaha that's awesome!

[JetBlack]

Q: Why did the Pysch department switch from lab rats to lawyers?

A: 1) There are some things even a rat won't do
2) The technicians don't get attached to the lawyers

[Brian]

The doctor says, "rectum? I nearly killed him"

[silver_echo]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (TRUE STORY).

Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military
jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.

The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:....
"Defrost the chicken."

[MetaEnder]

Got this off another forum, enjoy!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
Table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
She sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and
Slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
Seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT "HAPPY"!'

So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....

---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
The car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
Short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Domesticated]

lmao, those are pretty good

[Domesticated]

http://www.forabodiesonly.com/mopar/attachment.php?attachmentid=74714&stc=1&d=1241128321

[silver_echo]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled war hero, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what on earth makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[JetBlack]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when... http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs513.snc3/26945_1383863913179_1129434289_1118408_2278598_a.j pg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1118408&op=1&view=all&subj=10150157014065207&aid=-1&auser=0&oid=10150157014065207&id=1129434289)



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3..

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

[Domesticated]

thats hilarious

[Domesticated]

what does microsft and a submarine have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
try opening a window

[silver_echo]

necropost...

Redneck Farmer

A redneck farmer named Angus had

a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned

by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot

solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.


Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what

happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow,

Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,

'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into

the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact

that, at the scene of the accident, this man told

the police on the scene that he was fine. Now

several weeks after the accident, he is trying

to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please

tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested

in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his

favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,

my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving

her down the road when this huge Eversweet

truck and trailer came through a stop sign and

hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown

into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the

other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want

to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie

moaning and groaning. I knew she was in

terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a

motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie

moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition,

he took out his gun and shot her between

the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun

still in hand, looked at me, and said,

'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fuck would you say?'

[Domesticated]

thats great man.

[silver_echo]

found a couple more...



Due to the climate of political correctness

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'

[silver_echo]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.


Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"



Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen

so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.



Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."



The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,

"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"



Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.



On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"



"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.



As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,

"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."



"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

[silver_echo]

now this one is not necessarily safe for work...

A young man moved out from his parent's home and into a new apartment, all his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.


While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.


As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.


The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.


After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'


Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.


How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

[gotrice93]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[silver_echo]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.



As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.



One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven..."


God replied, " A s you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But, I do miss him and wish I could see him again.



"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."


So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of Bud Lite beer under one arm and a beautiful hot blonde in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad!"


God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't."